Roddy Doyle’s 2016
2016-02-15 16:51:53 -
Roddy Doyle

Roddy Doyle’s




–So. Here we are again. Five of us. Two missing?

–Through the chair?


–We won’t be seeing the other two, I don’t think. They’re after getting cheap flights to Lanzarote.

–For Easter?


–They’re going off to the sun?


–Well, so much for revolutionary commitment.


–Moving on. Before we go through the agenda, any updates?

–I’ve some good news.

–Great – go on.



–There should be a vote before we decide if the news is good or not.

–Possibly, yes – good point. But let’s hear it.

–It’s two bit of good news, actually. We have a gun and some Brazilians.

–Great – terrific. One gun, how many Brazilians?

–Three, so far.

–This is encouraging. Gun first. Where did you get it?

–My uncle.


–He has a shotgun. Had a shotgun.

–You took it?


–You stole it.

–It’s a revolution we’re planning, comrade, not a car boot sale.

–Will he not report the theft to the Garda?

–Unlikely. He has Alzheimher’s. But his favourite book is My Fight For Irish Freedom, so I think he’d have given it to me, anyway.

–Excellent. And it’s possibly in safer hands now – if I’m not being insensitive.

–He was pointing it at me when I took it off him.

–Grand – good. And the Brazilians?

–They’re outside.

–Outside the pub?


–In the rain?


–Well, bring them in.

–Excuse me – a vote.

–But the rain – the water’s coming up the steps of the pub.

–A vote. Like, who are they?

–They’re Brazilian – I told you.

–We probably need a bit more than that. Are they male or female?



–Sorry. But do they know what we’re planning?

–I didn’t divulge the exact details, if that’s what you mean.

–I wasn’t aware that there were any exact details.

–Well, we’re storming the GPO on Easter Monday.

–All five of us.

–Well, four can storm a post office just as efficiently if you’re not happy or you think I’m some kind of a mole.

–Comrades – please.

–Or an informer.

–Nobody thinks you’re an informer.


–My grandfather shot informers.

–Is that a job? My grandfather delivered bread.

–Comrades – please.

–Sorry – through the chair. I’ve to get back to the Dáil for a vote.

–Right. Fine. The Brazilians?

–They’re au pairs.


–And they’re being exploited by their employers – the families they’re staying with.

–And you met them–?

–On the Luas. They were angry.

–Speaking English?

–No. Portuguese. But they were reading texts that their bosses had sent them, in English. Clean oven. Stop coughing. Polish shoes and leave them at door. It was outrageous.




–I got chatting to them and they told me that they’d be interested in joining in.

–Brazilian au pairs?

–Exploited Brazilian au pairs.

–Ready to topple the State.

–Dying to.

–Right, so. Quick vote – show of hands. Discrete now, comrades. We don’t want to look too like the inner council of a revolutionary army. One, two, three – unanimous. Excellent. Ask them in then. Are you charging off to the Dáil, comrade?

–I can hang on for a minute.

–Oh, good.

–Here they come. God love them, they’re drenched. Scooch over, lads, and make room for the comrades. Hello.



–We are Fernanda, Daniela, Ana Beatriz.

–You’re very welcome. Céad míle fáilte. We’ve been hearing all about your being systematically exploited by your employers.

–Is very bad, like.

–Many hours.

–Cook, clean. Toilets.

–We are supposed to mind children.

–My woman, she takes €10 for clean sheets. I clean the sheets. I pay €10. Is mad, like.

–It’s unacceptable. I think we all agree on that. This is exactly why we’re here. You know about our plan?

–Kill the very famous post office.

–Yes. More or less.

–Overthrow state.


–Kill bosses.

–Maybe not kill them.

–He say kill them. You say kill them.

–Some of them – I said. I’ll be killing my own, if I get the chance.

–It’s highly unlikely that Richard Branson will be in the GPO on Easter Monday.

–Why would you want to kill Richard Branson?

–He’s my boss.

–D’you know him?


–My mother fancies the arse off him. She loves that ad with him in the truck.

–She doesn’t have to work for him.

–Right – sorry. We haven’t even looked at the minutes of the last meeting yet. So we’d better get a move on. Or else the ladies here–


–Sorry – the comrades here will be thinking we’re just a bunch of windbags. Are you heading off to the Dáil, comrade?

–I can stay for a bit.

–Good on you.

–You want more fighters?



–Fernanda. Are you–? Do you know any others–?

–Two hundred.

–Two hundred? Au pairs?


–From Brazil?




© Roddy Doyle 2016

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